Updated: Feb 21
I couldn’t help but stare. She was doing a new tick, her skin was more pale than usual and her words brief, she needed to punish me for her pain. She had been the victim of psychological incest. All of the pervasive implications are not enough to describe the soul sucking that robbed this 11 year old of her light.
Kids don’t naturally hate their parents. Even the abusive, awful, despicable, evil scum who don’t deserve to have children. Every child naturally desires love and affection from their parent. Not the alienated child. Their only purpose to the parent in power is to act out that parent’s hatred to keep the child from abandoning them. Psychotic, right? However crazy it sounds, it is that crazy and so much worse. Worse, is to employ it by denying it’s happening. This is a form of child abuse. Every child should have access to as many loving people as possible, especially a parent. The racket of Family Court is a terrifying system that everyone who has had to go through it knows how broken our "justice" system really is. When the magistrates and judges share their own disappointment in the system, it is fair to conclude: the dirty players win, the children come last and more than money is lost in the fight that never ends.
It’s not natural for an 11 year old child to understand the legal system so well that they say to their therapist that they’re angry at their mother who is to blame for all of the disruption in her life; some red flags had better start raising in someone's therapy brain. How does a child even use the words “she did this behind my back,” and use this language that is the mirror of her father’s language and its not raising any signs that this child is being alienated?! 11 year old children do not process information like an adult does. The therapist makes statements of fabricated events that were manipulated by her father and then expressed as reason's why she doesn't want to be around her mom. My child is reasoning with statements that I cant even begin to understand..."She was dishonest about camp, she's manipulative, she is not honest with me." I still don't know how a child therapist listens to an 11 year old that speaks to emotional concepts (that their brain literally cannot formulate yet) and labels it as, "she's wise beyond her years". She’s praised for being so mature therefore reinforcing the behavior. This is a dangerous place to tread as a professional.
My daughter and I were healing. Our bond was strengthening. She wanted to be near me, with me, held by me. We were beginning to wipe the dirt off of our knees after the tyrant drained all but one last drop of life from us the year before.
All of her life, she has seen everyone keep all eyes on him. So she in turn learns that our lives revolve around him. She has learned the codependent life and love of her dad. How powerful that love is when it’s conditions are met. It’s so powerful it keeps you hyper focused on how to please again. How this love with limits will torture the mind of an empath. Now, watching something even worse than what happened to me, happen to my most sacred piece of my soul. Mothering. I wish I didn’t love my children as much as I do. Truly. Every one of them Keeps me carrying on. Suicide would have been a simple, easy answer if I didn’t love them so deeply. I have to save them. 12 years of living my life around them and defying the stories they’ve been told. Every last damn choice was centered around them. The drinking, that was to numb a pain that came from a place of trying to protect them, so I could go on. No, I’m not perfect. I’m flawed and I will make mistakes again. I am a mother of fierce devotion, with nothing left to do but watch him continue to lose to his own game.
I am no longer a victim. My children will see the sickness. They'll see every last document, filing, fight for control and they will see the real him, too. They will be angry for what‘s been done because when they see the truth, laid out in a hundred rows of misconstrued, magnified, manipulated, overwhelming, unnecessary bullshit that doesn’t add up, his biggest fear of abandonment will come to fruit. This, I have no doubt.
The ability to brainwash and confuse is so clear as I look at my pale child who won’t let me touch her cheek... how could anyone make the pain inside of a baby’s heart so wretched and then target the parent that they are bonded and attached to the most- all in an effort to save themselves from abandonment?
How can this happen so freely at the hands of “therapists“, judges and investigators? This is happening to my babies and nobody has listened. What messages and belief systems has this handicapped my children with? Why can’t anyone else see past the bullshit but me and my family? Because those were the ones that saw him with his mask off. It’s true, I have my own sins to pay for. It’s true, I have caused harm to my children in selfish acts. These acts are what have set the stage for the abuser to act out his greatest performances and fly under the radar just enough to get away with it. I have opened the door of opportunity and in a sense, put the ball into motion. I will not, ever be told again that I am the cause of what has happened to my babies. I will not writhe in shame, childless and be told I am unaccountable ever again. No mother or father deserves to be the scapegoat while her children and marriage face the scrutiny of a tale fabricated out of a sick place in mental illness hell. Nobody writes my story anymore but me.
So, here I wait. Watching my other two babies miss their brother and sister. Waiting for someone to wake up and make a change for the kids. I will never stop Until the children in the arms of the parent they were attached to first, the parent that keeps them truly safe and the parent that has the ability to love. I can no longer advocate for shared parenting for all children. I can no longer carry on to the tune that I or they deserved this because of my mistake. The sick truth will only come out if we share our terrifying truth and give another something to identify wit and hang onto. It has taken me 6 years of research, reading, therapists, speakers and classes to finally understand exactly what is happening. I have answers and education is power. I understand borderline personality disorder, narcissistic rage, sociopaths, psychopathology and PTSD more than I ever should or wanted to know. It is this determination to understand the perpetual confusion, doubt and punishments that have gone against all intuition that has given me a chance at surviving this hell.
They will be home and we will be free. I have to believe that the acts I have defended so hard against are the same acts that will be his demise. I do believe that we are so very close to being free. People are beginning to notice and see the real mentally ill individual who has run the show for so long.
I am a survivor and have found my strength and light. I am the warrior mother who doesn’t have to fight anymore. In the slow wake Ill wait, in love and light while he burns his house of cards to the ground. I no longer have to do anything except remember all of the things I love about me again.
In love & light,